A Christian researcher has blended theories about Planet X and the eclipse and decided that the world ends Saturday
There are fools everywhere and there is always someone wanting to push for the end of the world because they think that it’s going to get them to heaven or nirvana or whatever other blissful paradise all the sooner. This has been the case as long as ancient Hebrew literature introduced its end times prophecies somewhere around 600 BCE. For over 2500 years gullible and desperate people have been falling for the latest declaration that everything is going to come to an end.
And they’ve been wrong every time. We’re still here. We’re still doing well, thank you. No big deal. I mean, like, whatever, man.
This latest prognostication doesn’t set a date for the end of the world, but rather the “rapture,” an event pre-millennialist Christians believe pre-dates the second-coming of Jesus and the eventual end of the world. There’s a thing about a 1,000-year buffer in there, but end-times believers have never been able to agree on that part. The rapture, though, has been a part of fundamentalist theology that was dormant up until the revivalist era at the end of the 19the century. That movement eventually evolved into the televangelists we see now, with their dire warnings that we’re all doomed to hell if we don’t repent and send them five dollars a month.
Rapture theology even captured a spot in religious fiction. The Left Behind series authored by the late Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins spent an amazing amount of time at the top of religious best-sellers lists. The concept that, without warning, all of the Christians are suddenly snatched off the planet, opens the door to some wild and imaginative consequences, depending on who those Christians are.
Oh, and don’t forget that line in the Bible that says, “The dead in Christ shall rise first.” Apparently St. Paul saw the zombie apocalypse coming before anyone else did.
Were this latest prediction to be true, and it isn’t, the earth’s encounter with an invisible planet that doesn’t exist is what sets off the Rapture. I guess Jesus is hiding behind this invisible planet, just waiting to jump out and shout, “GOTCHA!” Then, he’ll grab a bunch of people and take off.
Note: there are a lot of Fox News watchers who are falling for this invisible planet idea. Of course, it has been thoroughly debunked, but that doesn’t seem to matter for all these people with a death wish. Still, just for the sake of argument, hear the dude from NASA talk a minute.
Isn’t science amazing? We don’t have to just trust blind speculation that someone comes up with to get attention. There are these wonderful things called facts and we can rely on those in place of mythologies and fairy tales.
Even if all the “eligible” Christians did suddenly disappear, and you’ll hear them argue over who is and isn’t eligible, one has to ask whether anyone would actually notice. After all, over a million people “disappear” each year and how often do you hear anything about that on the news. Children, especially, seem to have a problem. By some counts, a child disappears every 40 seconds. That’s a lot of kids! One would think that someone would notice, that the world might get just a little upset by that.
We don’t, though, do we? Sure, you would get upset if it were your kid. You’d call the cops, put out an Amber Alert, post pictures all over the place. But would the child’s disappearance disrupt world order in any way? Probably not.
So, maybe this whole Rapture thing isn’t that big a deal even if it does happen, which it won’t. My late father, the Southern Baptist preacher, always speculated that if the Rapture did happen, a lot fewer people would be taken than anticipated. “Not everyone who says ‘Lord, Lord,’ shall enter the kingdom of heaven.” Imagine how embarrassing it could be on Sunday morning if the Rapture happens on Saturday and the crowd at church is still the same size and the preacher is still there. Yeah, Joel Osteen, I’m looking at you. Awkward.
These predictions come and go with such frequency now that I’m shocked anyone pays any attention. Had the Salon article not popped up in my newsfeed while I was waiting for the Armani show this morning, I wouldn’t have noticed at all.
I’m looking at Saturday’s schedule. I have Blumarine, Missoni, and Ferragamo to cover. I’m not expecting any interruptions. They’ll walk, I’ll write, and then everyone will go eat. No big deal.
R.E.M. covered this topic back in the 90s, you know. “It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.”
While the world may not be ready to end, this article certainly is. Armani is calling. Here, watch a video.
Abide in peace, dudes.
-the Old Man